We’re New to ENM! What Rules Should We Make?
“No catching feelings.”
“Don’t bring home a disease.”
“No sleepovers.”
“If I have no one to date, you can’t date anyone either.”
Most experienced poly people read the headline, and these common examples, and cringed a bit.
Why? For starters, there’s our knee-jerk reaction to the idea of “rules,” which I will explore in next week’s blog. But more than that, those of us who have been down this road know that it usually goes horribly wrong when people set strict guidelines for what this new phase of their relationship will look like.
In my experience, people who put a lot of rules or parameters around the opening of a previously monogamous relationship are not comfortable with the idea that this is going to be hard and there will be Big Feelings. They’re trying to put up guardrails to avoid ever feeling anything negative, and that? That is not how human brains work, my friends. You use logistical rules to bring yourself emotional safety.
Generally, when newly open relationships have these rules, inevitably one gets broken, and then the wronged party can say “Aha! See? Now I have something to be upset about. My partner BROKE A RULE! It’s not that I’m feeling insecure because this is all new and scary and I’m so scared and overwhelmed that it feels like my heart is falling out of my butthole. It’s THE BROKEN RULE.”
Violations of these rules are often used as excuses to close the relationship again, leaving whoever was dating either member of this couple cast aside like yesterday’s oatmeal.
What to do instead?
Talk to each other. A LOT. Talk about what you’re scared of. Talk about what you’re excited about. Talk about HOW YOU’LL TALK when things get hard. If you want to set up rules, they should be about how you will continue to love and support each other through the hard times and the thrilling times.
Learn stuff. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Join Facebook groups or Discord groups or Reddit forums and lurk. See what other people are struggling with and what kind of advice they’re getting.
Set up a support network BEFORE you open the relationship. If you come to your best friend in tears because your husband is having sex with someone new for the first time, and that friend has no idea you were opening the relationship, she’s going to struggle to be a good friend! Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist and doing a few sessions so, like with your friend, that relationship is established and not something you’re scrambling to find in the midst of a crisis.